Sorry. 4

"What is this? Claire, Claire, what are you doing? No. No, don't do this." My face feels burning. I can't move. I feel awful. I see Daddy wiping away tears as he walks into the kitchen. I shouldn't have done this. Roo, Roo, what were you thinking? This was a bad idea, a bad, bad idea.

"Where did we go wrong?" I hear Dad mutter. The fridge opens, there's a rattle, then it closes. When he walks back into the living room he's clutching a beer. A drop of water slides down the can, resembling the bead of sweat dripping down my own face. I look back at my mother. She's collapsed in a chair, head in her hands.

"Claire, honey. We love you. Of course we do, we're your parents. We bought you into this world and helped you with your infant steps, to get up when you fell down, with your homework." Her voice cracks. "And just as we helped you as a child, we will help you now. To get over this. Because you can, Claire, we believe in you. Everybody weakens at some point. You just have to have faith."

"Mama I've tried, I'm sorry," I start, but she holds up a hand to stop me.

"No, sweetie. No." She doesn't say anything for a moment, then she exhales. "We'll take you down to church tomorrow, it's too late now. You can confess to your sins, pray for cure and forgiveness. You have to pull your weight to do this, Claire."

I put my hands in my pockets. "Yes, Mom, but-"

"But what?" she hisses.

"What if I'm fine?" My voice seems hollow, unconvincing. But Ruby's right, she usually is, anyway.

"Fine?" Mom shreaks. I wince. I see Dad, out of the corner of my eye, frown at his can. "You are not fine, Claire, far from it!" She lets out a short, nervous laugh. "You're heading down a bad road. The road to hell! Next you'll be taking drugs and killing people. Have you thought about that, Claire? Have you? Fucking gays."

"I'm not gay."

"No, no, you're not, what was it you said? Bisexual. Worst of the lot if you ask me. Wanting to have sex with everyone in sight, isn't that right? Beasts!"

"That's not it!"

"What has gotten in to you, Claire?" Mom demands. "They've gotten to you! The gays. All they want to do is convert us normal, God-loving people. Well, I won't let that happen to you Claire! You're going to be saved."

"They're not like that."

"Oh, they're not? What are they like, then, Claire?" She grips my arm and digs her nails in. "Who have you been talking to? Tell me!"

"Let go," I moan. "Please."

"Which one of those sinners have been converting my beautiful daughter," Mom says, starting to cry, "I will rip their tongue out through their teeth so they can never talk blasphemy and wickedness to anyone again."

"You won't dare touch her," I snap.

"It's a her! Richard, Richard, your little girl has been with another!" She whirls back to face me, letting me go. "You've gone against the both of us and God. Why? Why would you do that?"

"Because I love her, Mom," I say. "I didn't mean for this to happen."

Dad walks over to me, bends down and grips my shoulders. "Claire," he says quietly. "I don't condone this, okay? This isn't right. But you must understand that we love you and want what's best for you. This isn't it. You're grounded. You're not to speak to that girl again. You're only to go out to church and school."

"Grounded!" Mom scoffs. She wags her finger at me. "You thank God for your father, madam, if I'd gone to my father and said the things you have he would have put me over his knee and whacked some sense in to me with the back of his Bible. Would have bloody deserved it, too."


"Please, please, stay," Ruby says, and she kisses me, softly, sweetly. Her lips taste good, her body feels right, pressed against my own. Why didn't I wrap my arms around her, kiss her with more passion? I should have. I don't quite know why I didn't. I must have had a reason. Must have been a bloody good one too. Come on, it was Ruby! There is no good enough reason.








I have a faint recollection of what happened next. I believe that I said her name out loud, pushing past my parents and running through the door. I believe that in the moment, whilst my mother told me I deserved a beating and my father saying he would be there for me until I was better, that he trusted me, in that moment I realised who I was and what was truly important. And that was Ruby, and how I felt for her, and how she felt about me. Of course I still had doubts, for a few years after I would still sweat, cry and shake and beg for forgiveness. Ruby would always wake up, kiss me and bring me back to bed, and as she fell back to sleep in my arms I know that no matter how wrong I would feel this was, nothing could ever make me leave her.